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[19 Apr 2012|09:08pm] |
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Can't seem to keep it together longer than a month or so before I fall down again. Can't even find a tolerable excuse this time. So I have to find another way out of this trap before I drink myself into an early grave. I feel like such a dumbass. I'm sorry to those that have commented and offered a caring hand. Don't know what to do anymore.
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| contemplation |
[30 Dec 2011|08:57am] |
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I feel like I have been here before, I am sort of recovering addict and I think the oxymoronic part of that statment is the sort of but hey lets go with it. It all started in 2005 when I first tried coke. I was fifteen and I loved it. Got caught went to rehab was clean for a year. Met some new people began smoking pot regularly went to rehab, left rehab cause I hated my counselor. Met a girl began smoking pot her mom used to get alot of pain killers therefore so did her daughter and I, begged my friends not to introduce her to coke, they did began doing that with her graduated highschool in 2007 things got good atfirst then my relationship went sour we let go on for alot longer than it should've because we were feeding eachother. Went into a half way house, discovered AA got a sponsor, got kicked out of the half way house because I couldnt follow rules. My sponsor relapsed called me for coke and crack and everything else. so I never went back to AA I began using coke more frequently and I began to shoot it up, The guy that introduced me to drugs to IV means apparently was lacing my shots with heroin.. and to this day i dont know why... I got addicted to heroin... almost lost everything... detoxed in my bed and I was clean for a bit.. then I met another girl and she loved coke too and she also had alot of money she was willing to spend on me... therefore my habit began again... I then met this kid Neeks and we were just smoking buddies until the day he began dabbling in MDMA and I dabbled along too... everything went bad, he bugged out threatend to kill me proceeded to steal someones gun and went to jail... I meet this amazing girl and I'm still smoking, she inspires me and loves me and wants me to do good for myself and nonbody else... I apply to college get accepted... we fight here and there and I have sporadicly dabbled from time to time... but I feel like I need to get clean completely because our fights usually revolve around my pot use or my coke use or my over alcohol use... I am in a tought spot because I know what I wanna do partly and what i should do and what the other part of me wants to do... and I feel so distrought because of it... im really in need of some clear headed advice.. altought i feel like i already know i guess i just need reinforcement
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| Trying Again |
[30 Oct 2011|12:53pm] |
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Fell down last night. Getting back up this morning. Not giving up. Surrender is not an option.
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| The other side of the fence........ |
[23 Oct 2011|10:55pm] |
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Woke up to a phone call that threw me back into a place I never wanted to revisit. I am currently 5 yrs clean & sober. My older brother tells me, as I am half asleep that my baby brother has just OD'd on Heroin and a myriad of pills. I really had no idea until now what I had put my family through until that moment when I felt so helpless watching someone I love go through something I knew would be a struggle that would last all his life. He refused to talk to anyone but me, as he knew I had "been there done that" {although I have never done heroin- I consider a drug (even alcohol) a drug}. He knew I would not judge or reproach him, but would truly understand how he felt. I let him cry and just reassured him I would be there to go to meetings with him and visit him in rehab, but that this was one road he truly has to travel alone. He has a strong network of brothers and sisters to help him through this- it has been a proven fact because of me :) Well in closing I will just add he is in a safe place where I know he will only get better so I don't have to worry about him for a bit. Maybe tonight I will sleep.......
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| One Day at a Time |
[07 Oct 2011|08:21am] |
Hi, I found out about this community from someone in another LJ community. I'm 15 years sober and I still need the 12 steps just as much as I did on May 12, 1996.
I've been going to a lot of meetings lately. I don't have cravings to drink, but I've been taking a look at my emotional overeating. There's less of that since I started attending more AA meetings. Yesterday, two people shared that they were grateful for all of the meetings in our community because they were feeling "squirrely" and needed all the recovery they could get. I can relate!
Sadly, I still have trouble meeting other sober women. Our groups are overwhelmingly male. I have a Tuesday night women's meeting that is my home group. I just wish there were more other MARRIED women in recovery where I live! The vast majority of them are single or divorced, although there is at least one woman in the Tuesday meeting who is also in a long-term committed relationship with her boyfriend.
I believe this is mostly because the woman who was once my sponsor has CHANGED. She had moved away, but we still kept in touch for a long time. Our relationship has deteriorated. In one phone call, last summer, she confessed to me that someone made her take a white chip at a meeting. I didn't know what that was, but she said it's what they give you when you're starting all over. She insists that she hasn't used, in fact she says she has over 23 YEARS clean and sober. I have to admit I was getting suspcious before this because of strange inconsistencies in her behavior lately. This has happened gradually over time. But now it seems to be worse. Yesterday, she wouldn't even take my phone call. Her 17-year-old son answered her cell. I could hear her in the background asking who it was, and telling him to tell me to tell him she was driving in heavy traffic and she'd call back. She sounded angry and indignant. She never did call back. I don't know why the teenage boy wasn't driving. Usually, at that age, they can't wait to be behind the wheel when they have a license!
Eventually she's going to phone or email me and tell me what a great friend I am. Her Jekyll and Hyde mood swings are not the way I remember her when she still lived here. Admittedly, most recovering people are kind of moddy. But she didn't used to be this unpredictable. She complains that she has no AA friends in her new city, but if she treats them the way she treats me...I really should walk away from her. I told her in my last email that I miss the connection we used to have, but it didn't seem to register with her. WHY CAN'T I LET GO?
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| Drying Out |
[01 Oct 2011|07:54pm] |
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This afternoon was my wake up call. It arrived as an overnight parcel from FedEx. I've had an alcohol problem for years but today that rage at myself finally overpowered the stubbornness about doing something, anything, about it. I'm pretty convinced my drinking started out as the standard combination of teen rebellion and wanting that parental attention. It didn't work then, and it's quietly killing me now. Just to really annoy myself I set a clock to see how long it takes before I hit desperation during this.
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| who is thomas mascott |
[20 Sep 2011|11:31am] |
Originally posted by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2) thomasmascott at who is thomas mascottSo who is thomas mascott. I decided to use this name because it's my porn name. You know - where you take your first pets name (thomas the cat) and the first street you lived in (mascott st), put them together and thats your porn name. I'm a 35 year old man who lives in a regional city of NSW Australia. I'm a drug addict and alcoholic in recovery (11months 22 days clean/sober) and finished rehab four months ago. I currently live in housing provided by the rehab I was at and today informed staff that I will be leaving this housing to return to my partner and kids.
I have 4 children, Alison 15 and Nathan 13 (they live up the coast with their mum and stepdad), and Jessica 8 and Bede 6 who live with their mother Lisa not far from where I live now. Lisa and I have been together about 10 years and due to my addiction it has been a pretty bad relationship. I kept us broke and miserable most of the time. I have been unemployable for a number of years now, and although I feel I could handle work right now I have chosen to study part time at university (nursing). I was doing two subjects but decided to drop one after a recent series of panic attacks and detachment from reality. It was actually a good thing as it has taught me that my mental health is getting better. I used to live in that sort of state, and the recent episode only lasted a couple of days. I went back to the rehab for a night and two days where they could keep an eye on me (and urine test me - not that someone with a 20 year history of addiction can't be trusted). They got a bit worried when I told staff that I wasn't sure if I in a rehab or if they were just telling me that, and I was really in a mental health facility. I was pretty sure it was rehab but I was concerned that I was in psychosis and had constructed a false reality in my mind. It was a bit scarey but I've been through a lot worse.
I'll give you a quick life story - not much detail but it's a journal not a book. I have one sister (two years older - she's the successful one) and two pretty normal parents. I had a pretty normal upbringing - catholic schools, sport on the weekend and all that. I was a very nervous kid. I remember once when we moved cause of dads work I would hide in the toilets of a morning at school because I was too scared to go down to where the other kids were in case they said I couldn't play with them (about 10 years old). At recess and lunch it was ok because we would all leave the classroom together and play together but the mornings made me nervous. I don't know why. Anyway, at about 15 I found the cure for social anxiety and it was alcohol. I also found a way to be what I thought was one of the cool people. This was smoking pot. At around this age I had marijuana growing in the bush across the road from my house. From that time on I have smoked it daily (with some periods of abstinance) up until 11 months 22 days ago. The drinking gradually increased as I had access to more money. When I got my first job after school (in a hotel where one of my jobs was barman) the drinking got more serious. At the time there was a bar (now a burger king I think) in central station at sydney. I would always drop in for a beer and befriended the barman. Almost without exception that beer would end up in me staying until the the last train was leaving. I would often fall asleep on this train and get woken up by the train cleaners where the train terminated about 100 kms past my stop. This job as a barman was the first one that I lost to alcohol. I stole a bottle of wine. I was adament that I didn't do it, but a few months later I had flashbacks of stealing it. I was in an alcoholic blackout at the time.
Soon after I started training for the police force. After a night drinking I caught a taxi back to the academy. I had spent all my money and did a runner from the taxi (again in an alcoholic blackout). This resulted in the end of my police training. I did however meat a woman at the academy. We fell madly in love and had two children together. I loved her but couldn't stop drinking or taking drugs. Growing marijuana in the garage when your partner is a police officer is a shit thing to do but thats what I did. Pot helped me drink less, but it didn't help me be a better partner. I was missing in action sexually and emotionally, and was always doing things like spending the food and rent money. I remember that the most exciting thing about the birth of my children was that my partner would not be there to give me the shits about how much I was drinking and smoking. I even told my partner before the birth of our second child that I found the first birth too traumatic and would have to let her sister be her support person for the birth. More drinking time for me. Gee I was a shit. I've just read what I wrote and feel like the biggest asshole ever, but the truth is what it is.
Eventually this partner left me and I of course used it as an excuse to drink and smoke more. I spiralled downward and wound up in rehab. I was there for a few months but was there not because I wanted to stop what I was doing but because of family pressure to mend my ways. Unfortunately other people wanting me to change didn't cure me and I went back to my old ways. After a about six months of unemployment I found work in a nursing home and really loved it. I was good at it too. The old people loved me and I loved them back. I'd often not turn up to work for a few days but for some reason the boss didn't sack me. Instead she would do things like take me around the nursing home pointing out the people with alcoholic dementia. They were the messy, shaky dribblers. The sort of people you really don't want to end up like. Unfortunately they were old and I was young and those sorts of consequence for my drinking seemed so far away. In this nursing home I met my current partner Lisa. She had (has) the sort of body you see in porn magazines (sorry for being so crude) and I couldn't get enough. We fell in love and before long she was pregnant. She had no idea how bad my drinking and smoking was at its worst but soon found out. Its w ath mentioning that at about this time I went to a doctor when I was trying to quit drinking and he prescribed me benzo's (benzodiazapines - drugs like valium) and I loved them. If I had a dollar for every time I went to a doctor with that same trying to quit drinking story I'd be a rich man. The trick is to not ask for benzo's. Just describe the symptoms and they offer them. Doctors know that people can die withdrawing from alcohol and they think they're doing the right thing by someone trying to quit drinking.
My relationship with Lisa has been turbulant to say the least. I've spent much of the last 10 years unemployed and unemployable. I kept us broke and was sexually disfunctional (due to drug/alcohol abuse) for much of the relationship. I mention this because Lisa always thought that I wasn't attracted to her. She has accused me of being gay at times too. I never wanted to tell her I couldn't do it. Far better for my pride to say that I was too tired. Often I would go missing for a night or two on alcoholic benders. Lisa would always think that I was chasing women, but I've got no reason to lie in this forum and I assure you I was chasing the next drink. We'd break up all the time but love always drew us back together. The problem with me is that despite my issues I'm a nice sensitve guy some of the time. Lisa has always believed that when I put my addiction behind me we would be happy together. The problem recently has been that she wants me to be this guy that she has constructed in her head. I want to be me, and I am not an exact copy of this person she has constructed in her head. We've broken up three times since I've been in rehab - there's been a lot of damage done over the years. In two weeks I move back in with lisa and the kids (I'm sure you'll hear more about them in the future) and hopefully with a lot of counselling we will end up happy.
I don't think that I mentioned that i was in rehab for a while about 4 years ago. Same story as the first time - family pressure got me in there and my destructive nature took me out. I should also mention that for a long time before going into rehab I was abusing antipsychotic medication. I would use it because it helped me not drink. At the start of last year I started my university study full time. I needed seroquel (the antipsychotic I took) to calm my nerves enough to get out the door. I passed all my subjects but by the second semester I needed so much seroquel to get me out the door that I couldn't get out of the chair. My mental health was shot to pieces and I wanted to die. I was too scared to kill myself so I had to take recvery seriously for a change. The rehab was really intense. I spent the first few months crying in group and free time was almost non existant. I'm glad I let myself get as messy as I did in there because my emotions had been suppressed for years and to get better they had to come out. The process has allowed me to feel stable most of the time now and I maintain my recovery with regular 12 step meetings (aa and na). Staff don't seem to think that I am ready to leave the supported accomodation that they provide but it has been doing my head in wondering if me and Lisa will work out. I'll never know while I live here and sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and be prepared to make a mistake if your wrong. Speaking of faith I've relied on God to help me a lot in this recovery and at some stage I'll let you know more about this. The other night a 25 year old man ran at high speed into a telegraph pole outside the house and killed himself (suicide). Years ago I tried the same thing but slammed the brakes on at the last second. I blew out a few tyres on the car and dented the front bumper bar against the tree I was aiming for. I believe God played a hand in that and that and many other instances in my life. I'm not a religous person (although I consider myself Christian) but I find my relationship with God a comfort. I often have doubts about my belief but even if the prayer has no more than a placebo effect it is a powerful placebo. More about that at a later date.
I'm not entirely sure how live journal works. I saw when signing up that there are millions of journals so I assume this one will get lost in the middle of the pile and won't be read by anyone. I've found writing this really therapuetic so if no one ever reads these entries they will still serve a purpose. I chose to use live journal because a friend was telling me that she uses it and I thought it sounded like a good idea. This friend is currently in addiction so if your the praying type say one for her. Even though she'll never know I use live journal too she has done me a favour so if a couple of prayers flow her way maybe I'll be returning the favour.
Just looked at the bottom right hand corner of my computer and during this writing I went from 11months 22days clean to 11months 23days clean. I can't believe how close I am getting to 1year. See you soon. ps there is a picture of Doug my cat as my profile picture. I chose him because before going into rehab I had not a friend left in the world and my cat was my best friend. So much has changed in the last year.
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[02 Sep 2011|09:36am] |
Hope if found here...I like that.
Hello, I'm new here. I go by Lisa or Mama Blue. I'm 37 years old, one 6 yo daughter, been married for 14 years, plus 5 before him :P, I live in Arkansas.
I have/am addicted to marijuana for 16 years. I want to quit. I can't seem to do it by myself. I need help.
It's so interweaved in my daily life, I don't know how to get away.
I'm pretty shy so I'll stop at that.
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[01 Sep 2011|01:17pm] |
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Toot toot! That's the sound of me tooting my own horn! I'm 20 months sober today!
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| Day one... |
[30 Aug 2011|03:44pm] |
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Hi - just wanted to take a moment to introduce myself and hope to find some solice and hope in your community. I am a 33 year old single mom to 2 wonderful boys. I am also an alcoholic. Up until last night, I drank daily. One bottle of wine until I passed out. Lately, I feel like I can drink more than a bottle though, and this is scary for me. I realize I need help. I'm the daughter of 2 recovering alcoholics. I suffer from depression and anxiety and have taken anti-depressants for the last 5 years. I have 2 children from 2 broken relationships, I'm lonely, I'm depressed, most of the time I don't really feel like my live is worth living, but if I'm not around, who will take care of my children? I really need to turn my life around for me and my children. I'm so afraid of not waking up one day or of something horrible happening to my kids while I'm passed out. Last night I had the very last drop of alcohol in my house - a single bottle of beer. I'm way to embarrassed to tell anyone in my family. Only two of my friends know how much I drink, and they are both drunks themselves. I'm really hoping that I can hold myself accountable to staying sober now that I"ve 'outed' myself.
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| I never really know where to begin with these.. |
[23 Aug 2011|03:36am] |
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As said in the tittle.. I never know how to begin these. Mainly because I can't track down exactly what made me an alcoholic, or exactly what made me turn to pot. If you got to my page and read my first journal entry maybe you'll understand. Maybe I'll be able to reach out to some of you. The last time I drank and smoked was Friday night. I can never just smoke, I have to drink along with it. I'm into mixing drugs and alcohol. I thank God that my new job hasn't drug tested me. I'd absolutely fail with flying colors. But I'm babbling. I'm ready to give up the weed, but not the alcohol. Recently everytime I smoke I get very severe headaches that almost land me in the hospital. So I've decided to end smoking for that reason alone. Well.. not just that reason, there are many MANY other reasons. However, I'm not ready to give up the alcohol. I'm also trying to quit cigars. See, I don't just puff them, I inhale them just to get the slight nicotine fix. I told myself yesterday I'd stop, that's what I always say to myself. Shit, I just don't know how to stop myself from the cigars and alcohol. I'm just hoping that some of you that need some hope will go look at my first journal entry and feel what I'm saying. That's really all I want, people to hear me out. I want to change lives. But I can't do that with these damn cigars and all the alcohol I drink. I don't know how I'll get rid of those yet but I'm working on it. A few years ago I would never touch alcohol, I would look down upon weed and I would never touch cigerettes or cigars. I've turned into exactly who I don't want to be.
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| @ BlindByDarkness |
[08 Aug 2011|10:59am] |
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I need tell you nothing if you truly understand that you are at the end of your rope. Know that the path before you is a new one, and this road if maintained properly can lead you to the richest life possible. No lie, the odds against you are astronomical, however we are quite resilient and believe me be sister if your mind is made up and you are truly sick and tired... Those odds will be so many tiny particles of dust trailing a blazing comet of success, that will be the new you! Have a great day
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[08 Aug 2011|12:20pm] |
I am new to this group so I thought I'd introduce myself. I am a 22yr old recovering addict. I have been trying to get clean for a while now but have discovered that I am a chronic relapser. I know the right decisions I should be making but for some reason it is incredibly difficult for me to make those right decisions. Today, I have 8 days clean. I created this page because I need to do more this time. This needs to be serious for me because I will die out there. I am at the end of my rope and I am exausted. I can't continue the constant cycle. I can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results because it will always end the same way. Please feel free to add me so we can follow each other! I need sober friends! :)
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?" - Nelson Mandela
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[10 Jul 2011|11:27am] |
Ive been binge drinking for 8 days straight.
Ive stopped now but holy shit am i worried how its gonna be.
Im probably gonna feel like shit for a while.
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| what am I doing?? |
[07 Jun 2011|09:41pm] |
Honestly, at the moment I am not clean and sober... I was clean and sober for almost 2 years and I was so proud of myself. But lately i've been using, not often, but enough that I can see things going back how the were when I was on my drug buzz. I dont have a drug of choice, i'll just take anything...
I was just lying my bed and my mum was texting me and my thought process was 'fuck off bitch I can't be bothered talking to you' and I realised thats how I used to treat people when I used drugs the first time around.
Last time I used to tell myself I could stop, I just didnt want to
Now I feel like I want to stop but I just can't i'm not ready.
The problem is I have so much more to lose now.
I feel so so selfish...
And everyone is just fucking me off grr.
I know I need to get help asap, because I don't want to lose all the friends I had to apologise to and all the family who forgave me when I ripped them off and I don't want to lose or hurt my son. I just don't feel ready, I have a date with e, crak and p in the next week and I'm looking forward to it. And the weed, and the company that comes with that.
Anyway, now that you've read my ramblings...
My question is, how do I motive myself to stop this now even though right now I feel like its giving me everything I want. I know this is like a consequence/reward thing right now it seems like the rewards outweigh the consequences and even though I know from my studying psychology that theres really not a reward and only consequences in the long run I can't seem to apply it to myself... I'm suffering from major optimisim bias, I feel like nothing bad is going to happen to me etc even tho the chances are i'm gunna lose.
Ok, well I have to stop now... I feel like I sound like a crazy person. If you read this, thanks for reading. I feel like im having a small crisis. And I think its safe to say i'm having a relapse. Fuck my life.
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[30 May 2011|09:35pm] |
Hello there! I just joined this community and I wanted to introduce myself.
My name is Ravynskye, and I'm an addict. My drug of choice is heroin.
I am very happy to have found a livejournal community to support me in my decision to remain clean and sober, now that health problems have made attending real life meetings more and more of a challenge, and I recently lost my sponsor to death as a result of liver cancer brought about due to chronic Hep C.
Her death has shaken me to the core, and right now I guess I just feel alone and lonely, and very scared, because I also have Hep C (although, I got mine when I was 9, so it was not from drug abuse) and right now I just need to feel any kind of support system.
Thank you for reading.
x-posted to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif?v=92.2) sobriety
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| A Better Day |
[26 May 2011|10:35pm] |
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Today was a much better day, in that I did get out and go to an AA Meeting this morning. This helped in many ways, other than the whole purpose of going to an AA meeting. The friendships established within the meeting I go to, as well as just being able to relate to others, it makes the day better just walking out of there, being reminded of why I am here, and that yes, today can be a better day.
I don't want to be the type that shoves AA or NA down someone else's throat. However, I mention these things because they have worked for me, and that is what I know. I don't think meetings are for everyone, in just that you really have to want to change, and no meeting or treatment center is going to change that in you, no matter what anyone says. I see struggles going on with my own family members, as far as addiction issues. I want to help, but until they want to help themselves, then there is nothing I can do, other then be there for them. I don't have all the answers, but feel as if I can point someone in the right direction. I mention my meetings and my sobriety a lot, because that is what has given me my life back. If I do not have sobriety, then I do not have my life. Simple as that.
Moving along, the only other things on my mind, are some of the anxieties I am going through. These stem from some medication changes I have recently made, which are not narcotics. I have stopped taking what I have been on for months, and have yet to start these new medications, due to insurance issues. I have had some anxiety from this, and it has made me feel weak and even ill at times. Just today, when I got home, I took a nap until 8 this evening. I thought it was Friday morning when I woke up, and jumped up thinking I was late for my volunteer work I do for the local Humane Society. It is just something I need to work through, and use the coping skills I have learned. I have some frustrations in that one of my doctors wants to put me on an antidepressant, in ways of being pro-active and getting ahead of the curve, if this is indeed some form of depression. I don't do antidepressants well and I don't feel depressed, so there are some mixed emotions there, and that to is bringing on some anxiety. However, I do keep in mind that they are only trying to help me, and my caseworker is awesome in all she has done in helping me get to the point of where I am today. I will just take all this one day at a time, as well. What else can I do? And, it is getting better, the anxiety.
The probation I am on, which is from the legal issues I brought upon myself through my addictions, requires that I follow the instructions of this doctor, so I don't really have much choice in the matter. But again, I will talk to the doctor this coming week, and express my concerns with that.
Other than that, just another day, and not a bad one. I am a little bored, and I can be my own worst enemy at these times. I am working on finding something to do with my free time, other than just going to a meeting, or the appointments I am scheduled to go to. It is those times in between, which I struggle. I am a computer geek, and do many things on here. However, it is the isolation this brings on in that I am the only one here, and sit here for hours some times. The good thing is, though, I have no cravings for alcohol or pills, because I keep in mind where that would take me if I were to make a bad choice in even going there. My whole thinking process is different in that regard, thankfully. Going back to college this fall is something I am considering, which will also depend on costs and grants I might qualify for. Things will get better, and I work through these times of being bored, as best I can.
All in all, a good day. Tomorrow will be a busy one, in a long bus ride to and from the Humane Society, and then the volunteer work I do there. I do not mind that, however, as I enjoy the time I get to spend with the animals, and there is nothing hard about the work I do there. It is sad though, in seeing them in those cages, and knowing that their lives literally depend on someone taking them home.
It is about time to get some sleep, so will sign another one off for now.
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| just whatever |
[25 May 2011|07:27pm] |
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When I was a teenager, I used to used drungs when they came available, but I wouldnt say I was addicted or anything, but from a pretty young age I decided that I wanted to spend some of my life getting fucked up...
For a long time I was kind of afraid to be a 'rebel' thoughi finished high school and went to law school for a while and then I met my drug addict boyfriend and I was just in heaven... My life totally changed, I never really did serious drugs, I just smoked a lot of weed, snorted a lot of speed, and spent a lot of time drunk of tripping on acid, and even now, I still remember all that stuff as being so much fun and I don't have a single regret about it. Even though when I look back I lost a lot during that time, I failed uni, I pissed off my family for stealing food, people who had once given me a place to live didnt want to know me because I kept braking into their place at night with my boyfriend to steal food because all our money went on drugs, I also lost my friends and in the end I even lost my job...
Then I got pregnant, andmy boyfriend broke up with me and didnt speak to me hardly for two years, I stopped using drugs while I was pregnant for the baby's sake. I missed them tho but I didnt want to hurt my baby. So in the time that I didnt use drugs I got my shit together a lot, my family forgave me, my friends forgave me, I went back to uni and am nearly half way thru a health science degree, I really love all that stuff! But me and my ex boyfriend have been getting along together and with that has come some dabbling in drugs again. I really only use them because when I am stoned or on something else the sex is awesome and its all I really want right now. I'm just worried I will lose control again.... I dont want to stop playing around with drugs, I still love the feelings I get, I experienced one I hant tried before a few weeks ago and i'm afraid I will get addicted to it because all I can think about is how amazing it was.... Its not even like its a hard out drug, it was just xtc, it was awesome, everything in life was just amazing and when I got home the next day and saw my little boy I felt way more happy than usual and I had so much energy to be a good mum. I dont really know why people are so anti something that can make you feel so happy and normal... I almost never feel like that. I usually feel a little empty. The only thing that really brings me joy in life is my son, and i'm scared that if I don't get my shit together again i'm going to pull him down with me and I don't want to hurt him or bring him down and expose him to drugs cause he's gorgeous and he deserves so much better. It was just easier to be clean when he was in my body, now the impact of drugs on him seems alittle less direct. I don't know if i'm a drug addict or not, I think if im not careful I will be.
Is it possible to have it both ways? Live a relatively normal life with a happy son and a career and also to play with drugs sometimes? Or has something gotta give?
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| I'm drowning |
[03 Sep 2010|12:55am] |
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I can't stop shooting dope. I'm (supposed to be) on Suboxone, but I'll go without taking it so I can do heroin. To make matters worse, I have a "fiance" who is also a heroin addict. Needless to say, our relationship is being ripped to shreds, in addition to the fact that there are other issues going on there as well. Even without the dope, he's a liar and a cheat. I am torn because I want to stop, but it seems like no matter what I do, I can't. I always come back to it. I've been to rehabs and I've been in jail plenty of times. I cry myself to sleep at night because when I start out the day intent on not using, I always end up fucking it up. And I'm not even getting fucked up or nodding off the shit. I'll shoot 4, 5, 6 bags, sometimes a bundle, and feel and appear to be sober. All that money wasted just to feel more miserable and depressed in the end. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to off myself, but I don't. Instead I continue on doing the same old shit day in and day out. And when I think that the next day is reallly gonna be the first day clean, my boyfriend calls me up from work, begging me to cop. And he is relentless. I always tell myslelf that if he does that shit again, then I 'm gonna tell him he has to leave. But then I don't cuz I'm scared he's gonna go running back to his ex-girlfriend, a dope fiend that introduced him to the stuff to begin with. I don't know what to do. I feel stuck, miserable, and depressed as hell.
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